What’s Happened So Far on the Final Season of “Game of Thrones,” According to the Screams I Hear from the Other Side of My Bedroom Wall

Season 8, Episode 1: “Winterfell”

Nothing much is happening in Western Earth, or Westenra, or When’s-This-Show-End. All is silent as the warring clans (?) have declared a détente (soon to be broken, no doubt); until then, only the sounds of opening craft beer cans can be heard.

As it always happens with these critically acclaimed high fantasy televisual programs, something incest-y or incest-adjacent happens, inspiring remarks from some of the Throne Soldiers (??) like, “Ew,” or, “How does he not know yet?” The Throne Soldiers sound like they’re from Schenectady but just recently moved to Cambridge and want to get to know you better.

There is a dragon. Someone in the diegetic universe of this Emmy-winning HBO series thinks that it is “Cool” and that “the CGI has improved from 2011.”

The screams are more hushed tonight in Westmoreland. Soft. Like my bed, which I am on.

Season 8, Episode 2: “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”

The screams on this week’s episode begin more as discontented barks. A young woman, most likely a ruddy castle-wench, complains about how poor the lighting is in Westerberg, and why couldn’t they, after pouring millions of dollars into production (production of war) get a few extra spots in there? Even a lava lamp would help at this point.

The great wall before you shakes in tandem with the hollers of the Throne Soldiers. It seems as though there are more Throne Soldiers on this week’s episode, the latest in this lauded adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s epic novel series. One Throne Soldier, with the indelible sneer of a near-stranger asking you for a rent check, bellows that he’s won his office death pool this week. I roll around in my bed in a fit of FOMO. I have not yet seen “Death Pool” starring Ryan Reynolds.

The screams intensify. Someone has sex, maybe with the dragon. Someone else snaps their fingers and says, “Yasss, queen,” which seems odd, but this premium cable TV show is known for its progressive and tasteful depictions of lovemaking, sex-positive voyeurs included.

I have to pee but won’t!

Season 8, Episode 3: “The Long Night”

The end times is clearly nigh in Westphalia. Several lore-folk have been stabbed or otherwise mutilated. A character very beloved by everyone in the great living room that is Westminster has met his demise…someone probably named Grimsrud, or Steffy.

These are far more and even louder screams than I have heard thus far this season. Evidently, “Game of Thrones” starring Golden Globe winner Peter Dinklage has hired a lot of extras to play Throne Soldiers. They all scream like people I technically went to college with. They say things like “Plot twist!” and “Who else wants a slice?” and “I’m fucking watching! Are you like this at movies, too? Jesus.” My plush blanket doesn’t feel as soft as usual and I think it’s because I haven’t washed it in a while. But to wash means to leave my oasis!

The screams have reached alert-the-neighbors levels. I don’t know the neighbors’ names. I know that the people upstairs have a black lab named River, which is just, like, stupid. They’re always in the stairwell when I’m trying to sprint to the mailbox and then they just want to talk about kombucha.

The screams vibrate at a heretofore uncharted decibel level. I can’t hear a thing. I think I’ve busted an eardrum like that homely child did in “Thar Be Blood.” What happened to him?

My bladder fills. The wall collapses with the force of a thousand scary guys named Bryce who are your age but look a lot older because they go to the gym more.

The sounds are devastating. My cocoon has been compromised. I close my eyes because I think I had to sign a lead waiver on September 1st and I don’t trust my property manager, Magda. The screams remind me of that wailing Portuguese baby I saw at Star Market last week when I told myself I have to knock it off and get food or I’d literally die, like how the people on “Game of Thrones” die. I am covered in rubble but I refuse to move. I can’t find my blanket. The sounds are my new blanket. I am now one with the sounds. This is really some great television!